August 17, 2009

Indie Rockers 101 : How to beat indie snobs at their own game

You know that guy at the party who is able to rattle off a bunch of bands you have never heard of, bash your favorite artists and then talk about some stupid trip through Scandinavia he took to see his favorite Norwegian twee pop group? Well, this is your revenge! Indie snobs are everywhere these days invading your coffee houses, eating lunch at that new vegan restaurant, giving long annoying lectures in your philosophy class, and being pretentious at parties. Younger indie snobs (like the high school version of me...sorry 16 year old MusicGeek...but its true) generally pick up indie snobbery as a defense mechanism. We are usually the nerdier kids in your classes who look like we just walked out of the Urban Outfitters Catalog. Indie music is our version of rebellion, we aren't as tough as the punk kids, we have a better sense of humor than the emos and goths, and we hate almost everyone in our school, so we use indie music to look cool and in a vain attempt to get laid...which never works out. You may tell us you love indie music, Death Cab For Cutie is one of your favorite bands, and we will roll our eyes, not because we don't like Death Cab (we probably still do...but remember they are popular now...almost MAINSTREAM) so we don't acknowledge them as "indie" we may tell you we never liked them...although that's a lie. Just try to see through the long list of bands we are rattling off, just remember we're really insecure and we want you to think we're cool. Or, if you are of the opposite sex we may be trying to impress you long enough to want to sleep with us...yeah that works. So here are some tips for dealing with indie snobs, because remember some of us grow out of it and some of us are back packing through Norway just to gain social recognition.

At a Party:
You are going to the cooler to get another Heineken when suddenly some guy starts commenting on that Band T Shirt you are wearing. "Oh Coldplay I knew about them when they were still signed to Pandabear Records back in 2001 so whats Your favorite song from their first EP? I stopped listening to them after they released Yellow." The prick goes on and on about bands you have never heard of "I love Neutral Milk Hotel and Dressy Bessy" What the hell do you do?

The Reality Of The Matter Is:
You probably just got the Heineken at the wrong time. Chances are you are a pawn the indie snob is playing with to impress a mildly attractive girl nearby.

Option 1:
You bail, grab your Heineken tell him you have to use the bathroom and dart in the other direction...not smooth AT ALL.

Option 2:
You try to outdo the indie snob by talking about bands you know...good luck buddy. After trying to impress the music snob by talking about The Postal Service and Metallica you finally realize how lame you sound.

Option 3:
You trick them into thinking you know more than you do...this is the way to go. Me, my sister and friend Bradley made up a game where we literally try to make up indie band names, and surprisingly most of them sound pretty authentic. Try it, chances are the indie snob won't know what hit them. So when he starts talking about that new Fiery Furnaces album change the band name..."Oh yeah I heard about that but did you hear about the Ready Set Go Trees new EP Pink Elephant?" Chances are he will be so stunned you know about an indie band he doesn't he may just agree, "Oh yeah of COURSE I heard about their EP!" if he claims he has he's not a real indie snob he's just a poser. If the indie snob is authentic he may tell you he'll check it out. When this happens, don't panic, if he comes back to you claiming he searched for the EP and the band and couldn't find it, just tell him its so new it hasn't been released on the Internet yet, YOU got a special copy from the band. This should shut him up and make him marvel at your indieness. However, usually the indie snob will just admit he never heard of the Ready Set Go Trees and won't even bother looking them up on the Internet, he'll just walk away ashamed with his tail between his legs.

At School:
Your professor is giving a lecture about music piracy and the internet for your ethics class. One douche bag decides that since he knows EVERYTHING there is to know about music its his job to lecture the class on how WRONG it is to illegally download albums

The Reality Of The Matter Is:
That kid with the Deerhoof T shirt probably steals more music than anyone in the class. However since he justifies his stealing with claiming he buys "concert tickets" and "band merch" it makes him FAR LESS evil than the average mainstream music pirate he's lecturing against. Don't you just love double standards?

Option 1:
Just let the idiot talk. If you are really ticked off at him confront him after class about his music downloading habits, but he may just lie and get offended and tell you "he ALWAYS pays for his music" this is probably not true but you aren't going to get anything else out of him. Just send him off with a nice "kick me" sign on his back.

Option 2:
Respond back in class...wouldn't recommend this either...unless you like getting into embarrassing pointless arguments in front of a class of 200.

Option 3:
Just shut up put on some headphones and grab a good magazine. Normally being the nerd I am I wouldn't endorse not paying attention in class...but if you are in this situation, silent protest is your best defense.

At a Coffee Shop:
Woah you just walked into the ultimate indie snob are fucking surrounded. You cannot escape! You are in the middle of people ordering soy lattes and talking about their all tofu diets...RUN!

The Reality of The Matter Is:
If Nature and National Geographic were present they would tell you that you had just walked in on a ritual courtship routine between mature music snobs. Indie snobs gather at coffee shops to scan the possible competition and meet mating partners, you are just an arbitrary observer.

Option 1:
Just sit with your 700 calorie mocha shake and try not to be noticed, but indie snobs can smell intruders especially if they reek of Hollistor and Abercrombie and Fitch.

Option 2:
Try to blend in with the crowd. Conformity is normally frowned upon in this close knit community, but honestly indie snobs are just "non conformist conformers" meaning we try so hard to NOT fit in we end up just becoming stereotypes ourselves. However, if you don't have any indie snob friends the indie look can be hard to pull off, no one likes a poser...

Option 3:
Just sit and don't give a flying fuck...this is the best option. If indie snobs notice that you are comfortable with yourself, and could care less about their ultra trendy coffees clothes and bands, they will probably glance at you for a second or two and then move on to the next person that comes in. Then you can just sit and enjoy the indie snob National Geographic special.

I am working on indie rock and heavy metal blog posts to accompany my goth/industrial and emo posts...however they take a really long time to write (there is a bit of research involved...believe it or not) so expect them sometime next month.

1 comment:

  1. Man if you ever found your way into the Winnipeg folk scene you could pretty much use those exact guidelines to help you out (except the piracy one, although I think most of the snobs over here just share amongst friends with usb jumpdrives instead of actually hunting stuff down on the internet). Also, the Winnipeg folk scene is pretty much bordering on indie so maybe that's why so many rules could cross over...

    But pretty all of the Wolesley area of Winnipeg fits that description (although they probably have a bit more hippy in their blood than the snobs your talking about, which is probably where the folk comes into the mix.)

    Interesting note, I don't think there is a single shop down Wolesley that is open during the Winnipeg Folk Fest.