Fear

Non music post here, I have had a very eventful week. My 20th birthday was on Monday and I had an ultimate freak out session. You see I never thought that I would ever have to return home after leaving for school at seventeen, and now that I am back I have no idea what I want to do anymore and that's scary. I hate being so directionless. I have spent the better part of five months figuring out what I'm going to do and then my 20th birthday comes around and it hit me...I should do what makes me happy, but I have no idea what that is yet. My life feels out of control at the moment, but I know have more stability then I perceive I do. I mean I have a roof over my head, two parents, food, a job, and I am still in school, but 20 is not quite as exciting as I imagined it would be. I miss my friends and that basic level of understanding I had with them, they are the closest things to "soul mates" I think I've ever found, and back in Buffalo that level of "understanding" is gone. I really have no stable "close" friend I can confide in, I have made some great new friends and that's awesome, and I hope that I can develop a strong ongoing relationship with them, however I still yearn for the people that are 2 hours North of me.

20 is just such a funny age, I'm not a teenager anymore, but I can't legally drink yet, and I still don't feel like an adult. I also am getting way more attention from men than I like. You see, I think I've mentioned this before but I was nerdy in high school, and then I had that stint with the mobile sperm donation center known as Mr. X, and now only after a week since I officially broke things off, I am being pulled in several directions by different guys. I am not sure I'm enjoying all the attention, on some levels I like being unpaired, a singleton. I have been alone for so long I get scared even when an offer is presented, I am afraid of suffocation and clingyness. Plus now there is this new intriguing older guy, he is a veracious reader and he's funny...however it still freaks me out to think that he was 11 when I was 1. I never thought I would be put into a position like this and nothing feels right, I'm just not comfortable in my own skin.

I do have a plan...or I promised myself that I would think of one. I want to be on a stable path--one that can get me out of Buffalo by 21. I want to be moving in a nice direction and eventually go somewhere cool, I think I owe it to myself. I need to stop being so negative and pessimistic that's the hard part...because it's practically in my genetic makeup. I just feel overwhelmed right now, but I think I'll eventually get my life under control again, I realized a long time ago that just because I'm back in Buffalo does not mean I have to hide who I am. I liked who I became in Toronto--the real me, and at this point I could care less about what old washed up classmates and the like think of my situation. I know they're talking and I understand why...but whatever screw them.

I'm done with this directionless whiny rant type of thing...I figure I'd end with a Playlist of songs I liked at various ages...

Age 11
I discovered the Clash and Bjork at age 11, I remember my best friend at the time thought there was something seriously wrong with me...oh well.





Age 12
Velvet Underground was always in my CD player as well as Death Cab For Cutie





Age 16
By 16 I was an all out annoying indie music snob. I hated high school so I retreated into my music collection, I was an honor roll student but couldn't stand almost anyone I shared the honor roll with except my friends Anh Thu and Elizabeth. My favorite groups were the Arctic Monkeys, Maximo Park, and The Shins.