Fear

Non music post here, I have had a very eventful week. My 20th birthday was on Monday and I had an ultimate freak out session. You see I never thought that I would ever have to return home after leaving for school at seventeen, and now that I am back I have no idea what I want to do anymore and that's scary. I hate being so directionless. I have spent the better part of five months figuring out what I'm going to do and then my 20th birthday comes around and it hit me...I should do what makes me happy, but I have no idea what that is yet. My life feels out of control at the moment, but I know have more stability then I perceive I do. I mean I have a roof over my head, two parents, food, a job, and I am still in school, but 20 is not quite as exciting as I imagined it would be. I miss my friends and that basic level of understanding I had with them, they are the closest things to "soul mates" I think I've ever found, and back in Buffalo that level of "understanding" is gone. I really have no stable "close" friend I can confide in, I have made some great new friends and that's awesome, and I hope that I can develop a strong ongoing relationship with them, however I still yearn for the people that are 2 hours North of me.

20 is just such a funny age, I'm not a teenager anymore, but I can't legally drink yet, and I still don't feel like an adult. I also am getting way more attention from men than I like. You see, I think I've mentioned this before but I was nerdy in high school, and then I had that stint with the mobile sperm donation center known as Mr. X, and now only after a week since I officially broke things off, I am being pulled in several directions by different guys. I am not sure I'm enjoying all the attention, on some levels I like being unpaired, a singleton. I have been alone for so long I get scared even when an offer is presented, I am afraid of suffocation and clingyness. Plus now there is this new intriguing older guy, he is a veracious reader and he's funny...however it still freaks me out to think that he was 11 when I was 1. I never thought I would be put into a position like this and nothing feels right, I'm just not comfortable in my own skin.

I do have a plan...or I promised myself that I would think of one. I want to be on a stable path--one that can get me out of Buffalo by 21. I want to be moving in a nice direction and eventually go somewhere cool, I think I owe it to myself. I need to stop being so negative and pessimistic that's the hard part...because it's practically in my genetic makeup. I just feel overwhelmed right now, but I think I'll eventually get my life under control again, I realized a long time ago that just because I'm back in Buffalo does not mean I have to hide who I am. I liked who I became in Toronto--the real me, and at this point I could care less about what old washed up classmates and the like think of my situation. I know they're talking and I understand why...but whatever screw them.

I'm done with this directionless whiny rant type of thing...I figure I'd end with a Playlist of songs I liked at various ages...

Age 11
I discovered the Clash and Bjork at age 11, I remember my best friend at the time thought there was something seriously wrong with me...oh well.





Age 12
Velvet Underground was always in my CD player as well as Death Cab For Cutie





Age 16
By 16 I was an all out annoying indie music snob. I hated high school so I retreated into my music collection, I was an honor roll student but couldn't stand almost anyone I shared the honor roll with except my friends Anh Thu and Elizabeth. My favorite groups were the Arctic Monkeys, Maximo Park, and The Shins.

I Need to Leave for Fiji....Just Somewhere Away From Here

So as you know I do the occasional non related rant on this blog, from time to time when something is really bothering me. So here is another issue I have been having...I have been talking to Mr X again. You may remember him from some of my earlier posts, however something happened last night that put me off to him--for good. He solicited me online for sex...classy isn't it? The guy doesn't even have my phone number, I don't think he has EVER asked for it, I gave it to him once and I think he forgot it or just never took it down. Anyway I was doing homework and had facebook open as I do from time to time, and I see a facebook chat window pop up...he literally wanted to schedule a TIME and PLACE to this...yeah really romantic. Being the kind of person I am I told him straight up no, because he doesn't even like me or care about me...and he never refuted that he just kept pressing the issue on through. Buffalo can be such an overwhelming place sometimes especially when stuff like this happens, you see I know Mr X from high school...strange right? I never talked to him or knew he existed, in fact I barely talked to anyone in high school on a non superficial level. Anyway I come back from Toronto and he develops an "interest" in me...the thing is in a city as small as Buffalo there is like one degree of separation separating everyone you know from everyone else. So essentially if I did anything too risque with this dude I could have half the city knowing that we did something...and although truthfully I could care less in this town, I have been feeling kind of used lately mostly by some fair weather Buffalo friends so doing anything too fast with a guy probably would not help my feelings. What I really disliked about this conversation was that either way it would end badly for me, if I refused which I did, I'm a prude, if I say yes I'm a slut...there is no "in between." I gotta get out of this town. I finally said I think I could only do that stuff with a long term boyfriend, then he stopped for a moment and asked me, "What's the difference? We have done everything else." And that is when I knew this guy would never get me...maybe there is a correlation between music taste and understanding a person (read my first post on him to figure that one out).

So here is my "I Hate Men I'm Becoming a Jewish Nun" Playlist.


The Kooks - Naive
Because essentially I was...well not entirely. Delusional would probably be a better word.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r-KnNVoFsCc

Lily Allen - Fuck You
Self explanatory. Well the song is about homophobes...but mehh.



Spoon - I Summon You
The lyrics to this song are really poignant...I don't know it's just a comforting song.



Bif Naked - Tango Shoes
She is the queen of angry, you're a man-whore...songs...



Robyn - Handle Me
Yeah I also like this song when I get pissed off at guys. So I guess Mr. X will just have to rely on himself and his Hannah Montana albums for a little longer.

Eve 6 - Think Twice

Mr X contacted me recently or tried to but I wasn't having it I lied and told him I had to go. Anyways this song made me feel better, its kind of old, me and a friend used to go driving and blast it from her car good times. Its a really hot song...the video isn't bad either (the one below isn't the original vid).

To all the guys who blast music from their cars...

Really boys? Do you really think that by blasting Godsmack and acting all angry and "misunderstood" that girls are going to rip their shirts off and throw themselves at you? Whenever a group of guys drive down my street and start shouting out the window while blasting Disturbed I just think they're disturbed. Or even worse, those acne prone teenage boys who've just gotten their licenses and think cruising around blasting Plies or Rick Ross will get them girls...it doesn't work for Plies or Rick Ross...what makes you think it will work for you. However the worst offenders...are the boys who think playing Nickelback will attract attention...I mean believe me YOU WILL get attention, but it won't be the kind you want. If you really enjoy getting disgusted stares...please by all means blast it.

Just a few suggestions, never yell "Hey BABY!" out your window at a girl, when has it ever worked for you? Whenever I get the yelling coupled with the horrible music, I either assume the guy is too immature to talk to me in person or too scared. I understand that approaching a girl for the first time is quite a daunting task, there is a lot at stake and no one likes rejection, but driving around playing macho music and never leaving your car (while it is playing it safe) won't get you any numbers either. Another suggestion...never sing a long to emo songs in the car when you are out on a date or driving her home its a real mood killer, and she'll want to kill you. I have had this happen before, and it also puts us girls in a really awkward position especially if the bands are really whiny. Believe me I like some emo(check out my blog post Emo: The Good The Bad and The Ugly) but if you are singing along to Boys Like Girls or The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus its a deal breaker.

And the last suggestion...never EVER play death metal while trying to get in the "mood" this has happened to me too...and guess what? The "mood" died, thanks in large part to his death metal collection. Metal is fun but it has its place, I like Thin Lizzy and Black Sabbath, but I can't say I like death metal...and especially not during a make out session.

DON'T BLAST THESE FROM YOUR CARS...

Being picked over sucks...time for a playlist

So if you have been following this blog for awhile you are well aware that my dating life sucks. It sucks so much that I have never had a boyfriend and I feel like the movie "Never Been Kissed" with Drew Barrymore should be a reality TV show about me. So for the Nth time its happened again, I have been pushed aside and replaced by another girl (this time its a high school chick too...I didn't know being 19 suddenly translated to being old and washed up...go figure). I shouldn't be surprised and I'm not, and I really shouldn't be hurt the guy was a dud anyway (Mr X) but I am. I could mull over in my brain what went wrong, whats wrong with me blah blah blah, but what for? He is a Buffalo guy, he isn't that complicated, I am just too advanced for people here, Buffalo may not be a small town but it sure behaves like one. I feel like there is pressure to "couple up" even with a loser (but hey I'm not that desperate yet). This is the kind of place where people get married right out of college, have kids and move to the suburbs...that's not the life I want. All my life I have been a bit, unconventional, I just didn't realize it would make it difficult to find a good guy. And not just a good guy, a guy I could really be compatible with. I am uneasy in a place where everyone is so satisfied with themselves, like they never see the bigger picture. They are happy with their local news about Terrell Owens and The Bills, or The Sabres, they have no desire to explore. I want someone who challenges me, who is as excited to explore the greater world as I am, I am not going to live here forever (believe me I'm not) and I certainly don't need some one to bring me down to a Buffalonian level. So on that note and the fact that I feel bitter and bitchy and no its not PMS its PSMS (Post Stupid Man Syndrome), its playlist time!

Anyway here is my "Life sucks I am going to become the first Jewish nun" playlist!

Kate Nash - Mouthwash
Oh Kate never ceases to make me feel better during bad times, and her songs are always so cheery and yet so bitter I love it.



Lily Allen - LDN
A lot of people claim Lily and Kate sound similar, I always thought Kate was the sweeter one and Lily was more of the "fuck you" type of girl, which is why I like her.



Athlete - Half Light
This is something I put on if I'm really pissed off it has a calming effect on me for some reason.



Travis - Why Does It Always Rain On Me
Instead of grabbing tissues and wallowing I usually play this...which sounds just as emo.



Spirit Of The West - Home For A Rest
My favorite Canadian Celtic rockers make great angry, drinking songs...all I need is this song playing and a few guinesses (emphasis on a few) and I may be alright.



Ladytron - Seventeen
here's to being an "old maid" yeah right...



So at this point all I want is alcohol, alcohol, and a really lame romantic comedy so I can get drunk and make fun of all the actors...but like the Rolling Stones said "You can't always get what you want" and no, I will not get over it because wallowing in my own self pity feels pretty damn good right now...at least until the next loser comes along.

Where's my Peter Doherty? Without The coke addiction...

I mean seriously...I am yearning for male contact here, girls have needs too! After being called a "prude" for not putting out on a first date mostly because I have STANDARDS and don't really want to become a human petri dish for STDs I'm getting a tad impatient. Buffalo is starting to wear on me a bit...or a lot, its not my fault I live in a cultural wasteland. After analyzing my own dating history I am starting to feel like a freak of nature, I never was kissed in high school (mostly because I looked 13 in 10th grade) I have never had a boyfriend...and at this point I am going to end up alone with cats. I guess I could get caught up with the whole "maybe its me" complex but quite honestly ladies and gentlemen I really am not that bad looking (I mean I'm not gorgeous but I happen to think I'm not hideous either)...really that picture in my profile...that's what I look like! no photoshop, no tinkering....however I do have an issue with censorship, and me being way too honest may have something to do with my lack of action. You see, I am a huge jackass, and I'm proud of it. That doesn't mean I am mean or impolite, I just have a serious problem with sarcasm and I can't control myself once its starts. Especially in a place like Buffalo where I can't take anything seriously, people here take themselves seriously enough, I think its my job to scale their egos down just a tad. In the tiny dating world of Buffalo this makes me an outcast, along with the fact that I can't converse in Buffalo sports, and I hate frat parties and beer pong...ok so I'm a loser...but only in Buffalo, which makes me a generally cool person in every other major city. I learned that I could actually fit in when I moved to Toronto, I had friends, I had fun....I don't think I bored them....but now being back at home I feel like I'm banging my head against the wall every time I have to venture outside my house. Either I'm stuck with drool coming out my mouth listening to some guy talk about how much he loves the "Italian Festival" or "The Taste of Buffalo" or "The Sabres" or I'm making people scared with my sarcastic retorts...help me I'm in hell.

And that's where Peter Doherty comes in. All I need is a ticket to London, an apartment and a cute Doherty look a like with a guitar (and without the rehab and Kate Moss baggage please). If only life were that easy, I could prance around in my skinny jeans and converse shoes, go to local gigs, hang out in pubs and wander around Notting Hill looking for Hugh Grant...

So to calm myself down, I decided to pick a few songs from English artists I wouldn't mind dating...because I am free! I have lots of time! Please....................................................call me?


The Libertines - Can't Stand Me Now
Pete Doherty and Carl Barat wine and moan about a failed relationship, but I'll always be able to stand you Peter (even if you are a drug addict)!



Bloc Party - Sunday
Another band I think people are well aware I'm obsessed with, seeing them in concert was a life changing experience, not only because I'm a crazed fan but because I got to so Kele Okereke in the flesh! I think my friend Shelly was a bit scared by my Kele obsession...



The Last Shadow Puppets - The Age of the Understatement
A side project for Alex Turner of The Arctic Monkeys (who have a new album coming out by the way you can listen to the first single here) and Miles Kane of The Rascals...the music is great, and so are the guys (in that Beatles, George Harrison sorta way).



The Kooks - Naive
One of my favorite songs from my last years of high school, they aren't the cutest guys, but their music is so good it adds to their overall attractiveness.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TQbipvfWaR4

The Lily Allen cover is top notch as well:



The View - Same Jeans
They have the cutest accents, and made one of the most underrated albums of 2007. Although I'm not feeling the guy liner...and maybe singing about wearing "the same jeans for four days now," is a bit too honest for me...I like hygiene. But check out the song anyway!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TpBb8KWS1Nw&feature=related


The Cribs - Don't You Wanna Be Relevant?
Yes, yes I do...and I also like dancing decaying bodies in music videos...don't you? Now THAT'S attractive, but really they are a great band. (Go here to hear the Cribs song Men's Needs as well as a Kate Nash cover)




The Fratellies - Whistle For The Choir
I think if a guy wrote this song for me I would die...really just die, but I would be happy....However the lead singer looks a bit like Richard Simmons, I like to try to push that thought aside.



Maximo Park - Girls Who Play Guitars
A staple of my music collection, they are my favorite weirdos.

Its a dating jungle, if the jungle was located in Malaysia and was being deforested.

One of the things that really irks me about living in a place as closed minded as Buffalo, is not the abandoned buildings, or the chicken wings, or even the annoying Sabres fans...its the douche baggy Elmwood guys. You know the type, they walk around in their meticulously chosen urban outfitter threads, and the "I just got out of bed" hair and stubble. they are quite good looking, and know it, and hang together in droves outside Spot coffee, and play hacky sack on Bidwell Park. They work at Panos and like to think they are really "deep" and creative, just because they know how to play four chords on that guitar they have had since ninth grade (because they think it will get them girls...and it does). They are the ultimate indie snobs (or so they think) listing off obscure band after band (but they have never met me). These are the guys that make dating in Buffalo even harder for a girl like me. You see I can deal with the general stupidity of the frat boy type, the tendency to be drawn to shiny things and listen to All Time Low... well not very well but if they can kiss I can overlook that stuff...for at least a night. However, the Elmwood "hipster" dudes are a demanding and obnoxious crowd.

This weekend, me and my friend Lynn had another one of our "study" sessions and decided that this time we should venture out of her apartment into daylight to rejoin society and our peers. We went to Spot the "watering hole" of the Elmwood village. At this innocent looking cafe you get the sixteen year old scene kids mingling with the twenty year old burnouts and "artsy" types. Here, everyone thinks they are in a mini Greenwich Village (what I'd give to be in the real thing). They all dress to impress each other in their urban outfitters skirts and "vintage store finds" which you know they only dust off when they feel like parading around on the avenue. So of course a gaggle of guys was already positioning themselves outside Spot in order to survey the in-coming customers for potential mating partners. Who knew we would be barraged with musical pollution? I mean I have dealt with guys who sing, Mr X being the most notable, but guys singing with guitars and banging on beer bottles? Not so much....the worst part was I couldn't hold in my laughter, and I let out a huge snort/ laugh at the worst moment...oh boy. I just remember them all turning in our general direction and lecturing us on "musical appreciation" in which I laughed again...it was just so bad...like the guy at the party in Animal House bad. You know, that guy on the stairs with the guitar that John Belushi smashes into a billion pieces? (I posted the vid below) I have decided to stick to my normal haunts on Main St near UB and Allentown for a bit so I can hide in shame...

All I want is a guy who doesn't get off by looking at himself in the mirror, isn't an idiot, and can submit to my musical superiority? Please...is this like ultra demanding or something?

Dating and Music

My best friend Bradley recently had an epiphany about my dating habits, he said that I am attracted to burnouts. And for the first time in my life (well since my first major crush....sigh....Anthony) it all made sense. You see I have never had a boyfriend, I have a tendency to be a serial dater, date the guy once or twice then move on. Mostly I have this habit because I have never been attracted to anyone I dated...except for one guy. This guy we will call him Mr X (yes very creative) was not the brightest bulb in the box, but he was very attractive and a pretty good kisser. The only problem with Mr X is that in typical guy fashion he wanted to go all the way on the first date, which is something in the age of HIV (yes people I'm in science so I am paranoid) is something I would never do, EVER. However, the guy still talks to me all the time and I still kind of like him, except for one thing, his music taste sucks. It doesn't seem like a big deal to the average person, and it probably should not have been to me, but for some reason it can be a major turn off. When I got in his car he started playing some band called "Mayday Parade" which I later googled, and I cringed. Mostly it was the whiny crying voices, and the annoying prepubescent lyrics about broken hearts and unrequited love...blehhhhhhhh. All his bands oscillate between ballad-y "she doesn't know I exist" love songs, to the extreme "I hate that bitch" break up songs. The worst part is...HE SINGS. He sings along to every "Red Jumpsuit Apparatus" song and "The Maine" ballad....I wanted to cry, my ears were bleeding. And even worse, he thinks my music taste is awful. HOW DARE HE CHALLENGE MY UNQUESTIONABLE SUPREME MUSIC COLLECTION. He thinks Bloc Party is lame, Nada Surf is scary, Rilo Kiley sucks...but this guy sent me a link to a Taylor Swift song with a High School Musical video attached (yes he's 20). I told him I always knew he liked Zac Efron. So when Bradley and I were sitting in a coffee shop and I was eying the tatooed-ladden, peirced, mohawked hot coffee shop guy, I finally realized why burnouts and hippies have always been my preferred pick over the preppy frat guy I was talking to; they have always had better music taste. And then it hit me, yes they may have supreme taste in music, but they would never date me, because you see two music snobs can never be a couple, we are too judgmental...of each other. So, we just sat and ranted and I realized that at least in Buffalo the only guys I'm going to be fantasizing about are the ones in my record collection.

But see for yourself, and make your own opinions about his favorite bands, maybe I am being too judgmental:

Unrequited Love

Laura Marling - "Ghosts" and "New Romantics" I have a broken heart, I fell in love with a close friend who is now dating another close friend...these two songs have helped.

In other news, I was listening to Kate Nash's song "We get On" and realized it was written for my situation, but then again when you are sad every unrequited love song applies to you. Here are my other favorites:

Robyn - "Be Mine!" (Her whole album is actually amazing, she has a great voice and really unique style.)

Kate Nash - "We Get On" It sounds happy at first but there is an emotional shift in the middle.

Vertical Horizon - "Everything You want" and "Best I Ever Had" These guys must have gotten their hearts broken a lot because their entire debut album consists of break up songs!